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Who Needs Friends?
Understanding Friends vs Flex
Holly Munro
June 28, 2024
Do You Need Friends?
I know this is a stupid question. We all need friends, but have you ever wondered why some people appear to have a stronger drive to create connection than others?
Some people easily make friends wherever they go, while others struggle to fit friends into their lives. Friends are important for everyone, but not for everyone in the same way.
How important are they in your life? This is where the Flex vs Friends part of the social types comes in.
Before diving into the specifics of Friends vs Flex, let's explore how social needs fit into the bigger picture of your OP type and your animals:
Saviour Functions: These two functions dominate every observation, thought, and feeling—usually without you even noticing, as they operate unconsciously.
Animals: These govern how all your functions express themselves, influencing your interactions, energy expenditure, and information processing.
Social Needs: These represent a long-term life drive independent of your cognitive functions.
Depending on your overall type, your animal stack might align with or clash with your social needs.
The relationship between your animal stack and saviour functions can either emphasize the expression of your saviours or naturally pull you towards your demons, creating internal conflict.
Understanding the Flex vs Friends Coin
The Objective Personality System is made up of binary coins, and Friends/Flex is a binary coin in the social type make up.
In one of our previous videos, we covered the other social type coin Generalise/Specialise.
What is Flex?
Flex is a saviour social need in types #1 and #3. It is a drive to put your name on something, which can be understood better through a business context:
Type #1: You want to be at the top, own the whole business, and be in charge of its strategic direction.
Type #3: You strive to be the best at a specific part of the business and stay within your lane.
Identity and self-image are hugely important to someone with Flex. You want to be seen a certain way and will consciously try to control this through how you dress and interact with others.
Conversely, Friends often become something to be ‘figured out.’
What is Friends?
Friends is a saviour social need in types #2 and #4. These types are driven by connection with others:
Type #2: You want to take care of all areas in your life, and then help your friends and others to do the same.
Type #4: You prioritise connecting with your friends before doing the work.
Much like the animals, you need to cycle through your social needs to avoid feeling resentful.
If you have Flex as a saviour social need (either first or second), a genuine desire for connection with others comes only after fulfilling your need to work toward your goal.
If you have Friends as a saviour (either first or second), a true drive to own something for yourself comes only after you have connected with others.
Holly’s Perspective
But what if you feel a lot of conflict and you don’t know why?
For some people, their OP type and animals are incongruent with their social needs. You might have a hard time identifying if you have saviour Flex if you are saviour De, or if you have saviour Friends if you are saviour Di.
This conflict is exemplified by individuals such as Gary Vee (MM-Fe/Se-PB/C(S)#1) and Keanu Reeves (FF-Ti/Se-CS/P(B)#4), whose social needs clash with their OP type, leading to internal challenges.
For myself, being De & lead play, I have an obligation to the tribe, especially when it comes to the Te. I have endless energy to work with others, but I then want to be left alone in my spare time to work on my own thing. ‘Socialising’ often involves work in some form—either physically at work, or through a ‘work’ connection.
People have told me they thought I was posh or snobby looking (which I'm not), but this perception relates to the overall professional and reserved vibe I give off to people who don't know me.
I have been overly concerned with doing anything that might make me look bad or stupid. I have a strong need to preserve my self-image, which can be incredibly limiting if I don't push through and do it anyway.
This is Flex—something that makes me feel a disconnect with others and dials up my deciderness, but at the same time, it is something that I am unable to change.
Felix’s Perspective
Felix always had a genuine desire for connection or friends, but if you’re a mope with Demon Fe at the very bottom, it can be hard to fulfil that desire. This caused a lot of pain, especially when he was younger, because he didn’t have the tools to achieve what he wanted and—needed.
But as a #2, Friends really come second, as harsh as that sounds. His autonomy, how he wants to live and where he wants to go come first.
He experiences lack of Flex as a lack of focus or commitment to one life path. He wants to take care of everything at once and have a social life. But if you don’t focus, don’t prioritise, don’t put your name on one thing, you’ll never get anywhere.
Happiness researcher Arthur Brooks, a Sleep last ISTP with Friends as his last social need, emphasizes the importance of friends in his book on getting happier. Friends and healthy relationships are one of the main factors in living a happy life of enjoyment and purpose.
Everybody needs friends—but how many differs from person to person. Arthur’s rule of thumb is to have at least one close friend besides your partner or spouse.
If you’re an extrovert or have Friends as a higher social need, you’ll probably want a larger group of friends. But if you’re an introvert or have Friends as a lower social need, you might actually be better off having just one or two friends while prioritizing other aspects of your life.
Regardless, the quality of friends and the depth of relationships are more important than pure numbers:
Create connections not simply based on usefulness, like advancing in your career or business. So-called deal friends are not what you’re looking for.
Seek friends you resonate with on a deeper level—people who share your values, faith, or outlook on life, people you can be honest and vulnerable with.
The right balance between relationships and other aspects of your life looks different for everyone—or every type.
First, work with your social type, not against it. It tells you the relevance that you will want friends to play in your life. There’s no need to force something that might make you miserable just because some book or blog article tells you to. Then, work with your OPS type to fulfil your social needs.
If you’re a mopey IxxP with Fe last, you probably won’t be the life of every party, but that doesn’t mean you cannot work on your extroverted side and build deep friendships that make you happy.
Remember: embracing your social type does not mean neglecting your demons; it means owning them too.
The answer can be found in your last animal. If you focus on your last animal, you will be forced to work through your third animal and your last two functions, which will give you the freedom you need to meet your social needs. Then your saviours can push you in the direction you want to go instead of creating more resistance.
Working on your Flex will give you the drive to improve yourself. If you’re someone with demon Di, leaning into your Flex will actually help you build your identity.
What Matters Most
Understanding your social needs through the Flex vs Friends coin can provide valuable insights into your interactions, motivations, and overall happiness.
Whether you prioritise personal achievement and self-image (Flex) or connection and relationships (Friends), recognizing and embracing your social type can help you navigate life's challenges more effectively. By working with your OPS type and social needs, you can strike the right balance between personal goals and meaningful relationships.
Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to social needs. What matters most is finding what works best for you and aligns with your intrinsic motivations. Embrace your unique social type, work on your demons, and cultivate deep, genuine connections that enrich your life.
In the end, whether you're flexing your individual achievements or deepening friendships, the key to a fulfilling life lies in understanding and meeting your own specific social needs. This self-awareness can lead to greater satisfaction, stronger relationships, and a more balanced, happy life.
Social Needs in Objective Personality