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The Benefits and Perils of a Strong Self-Image

The Problem with IxxPs

A few months ago, my friend Uzair published a video on the struggles of IxxPs. It shook a bunch of people pretty good—even if they didn’t want to admit it. It shook me pretty good too.

Uzair argued that IxxPs are overly focused on an idealised version of themselves that only exists in their head. Especially the introverted IxxPs don’t venture out into the real world often enough to see how this idealised self-image stacks up against reality.

They built themselves up to be this unique and special individual—but in reality, hardly anyone knows who they are and many who do, don’t see anything particularly appealing or impressive.

IxxPs desire nothing more than a connection with the tribe, they just go about it in a totally backwards way. Instead of paying attention to others, they focus on themselves because they believe it’s how to earn the tribe’s recognition and respect.

They are hyper-focused on their perspective while the tribe’s point of view remains fuzzy. They don’t know what to expect when they actually show themselves, they don’t know how the tribe will react. Showing themselves is too great of a risk and they end up doing nothing.

I am an IxxP. This video shook me too. Uzair had hit the nail on the head, as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve always been too hesitant and shy because I was trying to protect my precious self-image. It’s not that I was a recluse who didn’t leave his house, but I never put myself out there as much as I wanted. I avoided pain but sacrificed connection, growth, and joy.

At the same time, I think that IxxPs are half-right when they focus on their self-image as much as they do.

They Are Half-Right

An idealised self-image is necessary for a sense of direction. Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go? It gives you a goal and a future to strive for.

Without goals, life would be boring. Without challenges that require real effort life would be seriously dull.

Strictly speaking, it’s impossible to not have goals. Whenever you choose to do something, you express a preference. You’d rather watch Netflix than work out. You’d rather eat junk than a healthy meal. There is always an implicit value system at play.

Setting goals is about creating an intentional value system. What do you really want to do? What challenge is worth the effort for you? What gives you the deepest sense **of satisfaction?

If you don’t set your own goals and create your personal value system, you will be assigned one.

Achieving worthwhile goals creates a sense of satisfaction. Unfortunately, this satisfaction never lasts. All success is fleeting. The good feelings disappear again and new challenges keep coming. There is no finishing line. Still—not setting your own goals, not putting in real effort and striving for whatever fleeting satisfaction you might get is worse.

No goals is not an option. No satisfaction will ever last. We want to understand both these things and choose goals intentionally because this increases happiness throughout our lives.

This is where IxxPs have the right tendency. They automatically ask themselves:

Who am I?

What do I like?

What are my talents?

What makes me curious?

What kind of person do I want to be?

These are useful things to know if you want to set the right goals for you. But if you don’t (yet), that’s okay too. Just start and figure it out as you go. Goals are supposed to provide a sense of direction, they’re not set in stone. They can and should be updated along the way.

While IxxPs ask the questions above automatically, I don’t think most of them ask them consciously to create an explicit personal value system. IxxPs have the right tendency, but they don’t get a free pass when it comes to goal setting. It requires serious work for them too.

Be intentional about where you want to go because you always go somewhere anyway. Why not pick a destination and create a journey you’d enjoy? Otherwise, you’ll wander aimlessly distracted by the latest and loudest, and end up frustrated and tired.

However, to find your way through the wilderness, having a goal is not enough. You also need to know your current position. Where—and who—are you right now?

They Are Half-Wrong

Imagine you’re looking at a map and you want to get from point A to point B. Point B is your destination, where you want to go. Point A is your current position—but do you even know where on the map that is?

Having a destination in mind is not enough. You won’t walk in the right direction and come closer to your goal if you have no idea where you’re starting from or how far away you are. You’ll walk in the wrong direction or even think there’s no need to move because you already arrived.

This is where IxxPs go massively wrong. They neglect to check their self-image against their current reality. They only have eyes for the destination, not realising the tremendous distance from where they’re at.

IxxPs perceive the tribe’s perspective as fuzzy. It’s not like they know nothing about the tribe, but whatever knowledge they have isn’t easily consciously accessible. Introverted IxxPs—like me—shy away from direct interaction with the tribe and receive less outside feedback from others.

Outside feedback serves as a corrective measure for your self-image. It brings you closer to reality because you won’t find good feedback in your head alone.

Does your partner like how you clean the toilets?

Was your boss satisfied with your last project?

Do your friends like having you around?

You know who you want to be, others tell you who they think you are. You compare the two and get a closer glimpse at what’s going on. It’s not perfect, but generally much better than only asking yourself.

We shy away from asking for feedback because getting negative feedback hurts. Not just for IxxPs, but for everybody. IxxPs are merely particularly protective of their self-image.

The pain of negative feedback is a necessary part of life. You can’t get around it, but you can find relief from the suffering if you understand pain as what it is: a guidepost to growth. It’s a sign you’re on the right track to who you want to be.

You need to risk making experiences that contradict your self-image. You need to risk making mistakes. It’s the only way to gather information, gain clarity, and grow.

Growth happens at the edge of your comfort zone. Learn to be comfortable with pain.

If, instead, you cling to the comfort of believing you are who you want to be, you will never become who you want to be.

Finding the Missing Pieces

To find your way in life, you need to know where you want to go and where you are right now. Journaling is a great approach to exploring answers to both these questions.

Let me share with you my favourite journaling prompts from two videos ([1], [2]) by productivity expert Ali Abdaal who we typed in our most recent OPS class.

For finding your direction, consider The Talent Service Prompt, The Ideal Tuesday Prompt, or The Obituary Writing Prompt.

The Talent Service Prompt: Imagine a world where you have all the money and all the time. How would you use your talents and skills to serve others?

We need to do something with the years we’re given. What would you do if you could choose freely without any constraints? We want to ask this question in terms of service to others to give our lives a purpose beyond ourselves.

The Ideal Tuesday Prompt: What does your ideal Tuesday look like? What are you doing? Who are you with? How are you spending your time? What makes this day perfect for you?

We often imagine the ideal day as a day on the beach or a day of exploration without any responsibilities. However, that’s probably not how your usual future day will look like. That kind of image doesn’t help you to find a direction. Instead, go with your ideal run-of-the-mill Tuesday.

The Obituary Writing Prompt: What would it look like if you wrote out your own obituary?

This prompt may seem rather bizarre and morbid. But having an idea of how we’d like to impact this world and the people around us, can leave us with more focus and a greater appreciation for the time we have left.

For grounding yourself in the present, I’d recommend The Work Audit Prompt, The Life Audit Prompt, or Fulfilment Stories.

The Work Audit Prompt: When it comes to work right now, what’s working and what’s not working?

Ask yourself this question first, but don’t stop there. Use as many ways as you can to leave your own perspective. What work accomplishments could you celebrate in the last year? Are you satisfied with your salary or revenue? Consider asking your colleagues and bosses as well.

The Life Audit Prompt: When it comes to your life right now, what’s working and what’s not working?

Ask yourself this question on a general personal level, about your health, and your relationships. Again, pull in as many outside perspectives as you can. How is your sleep and your nutrition? How often do you see your friends? How happy is your partner?

Fulfilment Stories: Think about a time in your life when you did something well and it brought you a sense of fulfilment.

When did you take action?

When did you believe you did well?

When did it bring you a strong sense of fulfilment?

Make sure to choose a story where you drove the action. Visiting a Taylor Swift concert might be an enjoyable experience, but it’s not your fulfilment story—it’s Taylor’s.

Being aware of what you did well in the past and what gave you a sense of purpose, can give you clarity on the strengths you already possess.

You don’t have to answer all these journaling prompts, of course. Choose whatever most resonates with you. Ali has several more in his videos, maybe one of those is the right one for you.

Remember that your answers don’t have to be perfect. You don’t need to set them in stone. They can just be the beginning of becoming more intentional about your life over time.

Set the direction, orient yourself, and go.

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