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Why ExxJs Are Selfish
How to Become More Overtly Selfish?
Holly Munro
August 23, 2024
Why ExxJs Are Selfish
What Does It Mean to Be Selfish?
We’ve all heard the old stereotype: IxxPs are supposed to be the selfish assholes. But what if I told you that ExxJs can be just as selfish—if not more so?
Before you get offended and decide to unsubscribe from this newsletter, hear me out. As an ExxJ myself, I’m speaking from personal experience here.
The Oxford Dictionary defines selfishness as lacking consideration for others and being primarily concerned with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
As for the definition of an “asshole,” I think we can all fill in the blanks on that one—no need for a dictionary reference.
The Difference Between IxxP and ExxJ Selfishness
IxxPs are often labelled as selfish because they don’t naturally consider the tribe’s perspective. They first ask themselves what they want, and only maybe do they then consider others. They’re free to make decisions on their own, without needing the input of others.
In contrast, ExxJs are externally focused on what the tribe wants and needs every moment of every day. They ask themselves what they want last—if at all—only after they’ve checked in with everyone else. They don’t have the luxury of making decisions independently.
At first glance, it seems like IxxPs are the selfish ones, while ExxJs are self-sacrificing martyrs. So, what’s the issue?
How ExxJs Are Really Selfish
Regardless of type, we all have the fundamental need to be loved, accepted, and understood. We all strive to fulfil these needs, but the approach varies based on our OPS and social types.
IxxPs are upfront about their needs, directly asking themselves, “What do I need, and how do I get it?” While this doesn’t guarantee they’ll always get what they need, it does make them more honest and direct about their intentions.
ExxJs, on the other hand, often disguise their needs as concern for others. Beneath this façade, they’re driven by a deep need for validation. If you were to ask an ExxJ why they helped you with something you didn’t even ask for, they’d likely tell you it was all for your benefit (you ungrateful asshole)!
But what happens when you don’t appreciate the unsolicited help or advice? The ExxJ might throw a tantrum, either going full-on “Karen” if they’re more extroverted, or, like me, sulking in passive-aggressive silence if they’re more introverted.
The key point is that masking your needs as someone else’s is dishonest and still falls under the definition of selfishness.
Why Is This a Problem?
This covert selfishness leads to inauthentic motivations and transactional relationships, centred around the ExxJ getting what they want without feeling guilty about it. The issue here is that this behaviour stems from a place of emptiness and a need for validation.
Why Being Selfish Can Be a Good Thing
I know the idea of being selfish might seem repulsive, and you’re probably wondering why I’m suggesting it’s a good thing. But there are both good and bad kinds of selfishness.
The good kind involves having the courage and self-awareness to prioritize your needs when necessary, and the confidence to be honest about them rather than disguising them as someone else’s.
This form of selfishness isn’t about harming or rejecting others, but about serving them more deeply and sustainably in the long run.
Think of It as Self-Care
To be a good parent, for example, you might need an hour to yourself every day. You might need to indulge in something like a massage or a good book.
But because these desires can seem contrary to expectations, it’s easier to stay quiet about your needs and just focus on what others need from you. The result? You end up growing increasingly ragged, angry, and bitter towards those who rely on you.
To avoid this, you need to find and maintain a balance between meeting your needs and those of others. It’s important to remember that it’s not all or nothing: it’s not your way or the highway.
To avoid being accused of the wrong kind of selfishness, the trick is to become a better ambassador of your intentions.
You need to become overtly selfish.
How to Become More Overtly Selfish?
If you’re an ExxJ, you might be thinking, “Okay, great, but how do I even know what my needs are?” Don’t worry—I’ve been there too. Here are two things that helped me and might help you as well:
Pay Attention to Your Triggers:
Behind every trigger is a pattern, a wound, and an unmet need.
Whenever you get triggered, write down what happened and why you think it triggered you.
Keep an error log to track common themes—we even have a free template you can use.
Listen to the Voice in Your Head:
Michael Singer, whom we covered in our last OPS typing class, talked about his biggest discovery being the neurotic voice in his head.
My advice is to listen to your own inner voice. Are you thinking, “Gosh, I’m so tired, I need an early night,” or “I really don’t want my parents to come and stay this weekend”?
As an ExxJ, this voice will be quiet, so make sure you listen carefully—it’s pointing you to what you need.
And to throw in a bit of ST here, make sure you check in with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (below) to ensure your foundational needs are covered.
Remember: Identifying the pattern is awareness, but choosing not to repeat the cycle is true growth.